#OH YEAH and then i dont provide context for how i got to that thought

[acaesic]

if yapping in the tags were a job id be jeff bezos

[amongussexgif]

One of my friends tried convincing me that ChatGPT was smart, so I did a little experimenting.

TLDR; it's dumb. it's real dumb. like. obscenely stupid.

this was supposed to be an easy question for it:

I asked this just after midnight on Sunday, April 21, 2024. I would have accepted Saturday as an answer, but it insisted on Wednesday and Friday several times. No idea why.

Next, I wanted to see if it knew things about internet culture. It knew who @pukicho was when I asked, so

rightbefore this, it acknowledged pukicho as, direct quote "sarcastic, rude, and witty," so I have no idea how it got this.

to test it's knowledge cutoffs, I asked it:

Oh, great! It knows about the SA2 fandub, too! Let's test it's ability to continue a conversation.

...it forgot the question I asked it immediately before this.

I thought this might be the case. It can't hold a thread of conversation. So I clarified:

okay, yeah, it just needed context to be re-fed to it. even then, though, IT DIDNT ANSWER THE QUESTION? all it said was "it dont count so who care" which made me wonder if it could count

It was wrong again. for two reasons this time. Susan should still have counted because she did attend, and it completely ignored the speaker. The robot that runs companies is worse at word problems than I was in second grade.

I wondered if I was somehow being lied to, and that reminded me of an hbomberguy video. on a whim, I asked it:

this is incredibly odd. If it was using the number that guiness provided at the time, it should have said three. if it was using any of the numbers that tommy provided, it should have said either four, five, or seven. it said zero.

This was as of January 2022, BEFORE the hbomberguy video and BEFORE they got a record removed. Even if it's knowledge cutoff was more recent and it lied, it should have said two.

I wondered if it struggled with their website or something, so I asked it something pertaining to another website (and yes, I made sure the information was before it's knowledge cutoff)

Okay, so it can navigate NexusMods. great. It even included the mod's author, and was right about that. but, hang on...

IT'S LITERALLY WRONG!! IT IS ELEVEN MONTHS OFF!! HOW!? IT'S WRITTEN IN PLAINTEXT ON THE WEBSITE, THERE SHOULDN'T BE ANY ISSUES HERE? WHAT!? HOW!? HOW IS IT THIS FUCKING STUPID!?

to see if it really was just stupid, I tried one last question.

yup, it's dumb.

[discar]

HZD Terraforming Base-001 Text Communications Network

Chapter 23 | Prev chapter | Next chapter Chapter Index

Zo: Alva, I have questions about your empire's agriculture.

DIVINER: Well, I'm not an agriculturalist or a biologist, but I'll answer what questions I can!

Zo: Do you have land-gods? Machines that tend your fields?

DIVINER: No, we had to learn to do everything ourselves! Much of it was discovered in the labs belonging to Eileen Sasaki, which is why she's one of our most revered Ancestors. The Empire wouldn't exist if we couldn't expand our fields!

Zo: I suppose our reliance on our land-gods has limited our expansion.

DIVINER: Um, this might be an awkward question...

Zo: That's fine.

DIVINER: And by awkward, I mean insulting.

BoyNextDoor: Apologizing before the insult. Erend, you can learn a thing or two here.

HIMBO: IT'S NOT MY FAULT YOU'RE ALL TOO SENSITIVE!

Zo: Yes it is.

HIMBO: OH REALLY? GRANOLA GIRL?

Zo: …

Zo: So what was your question, Alva?

DIVINER: Do you um, know how to farm?? Without your land-gods, I mean!

DIVINER: Sorry!!

Zo: Oh, that. Yes, we do. Not all our villages are directly in the paths of the land-gods. We haven't expanded much, but we have some.

HIMBO: SHARING A BORDER WITH THE TENAKTH PROBABLY HELPED KEEP YOU GUYS FROM PUSHING OUT.

MARSHAL Kotallo: The Tenakth have always had fine relations with the Utaru.

HIMBO: YEAH, AND I'M GUESSING THAT ANY TIME ANYONE SUGGESTED EXPANDING, SOMEONE BROUGHT THAT UP.

Zo: One of the biggest problems my people have is that we are passive. The land-gods provide more than enough for what we need. Even in our outer villages, we rarely actually need to farm. It is always easier to just sit by and let nature take its course.

FlameHairSavior: In my experience, the people in power generally want things to stay the same.

Zo: True, the Chorus is the worst, but this is a problem common among the Utaru. As much as I wish otherwise, the Chorus are not forcing their own passivity on anyone. This is simply the way we are.

BoyNextDoor: Except for a few brave members of the tribe who will charge into a Cauldron with a couple of strangers.

Zo: You say the sweetest things.

HIMBO: EW, THEY'RE KISSING.

BoyNextDoor: How old are you, twelve?

β: flirt on your own time its science now

DIVINER: Right! Zo, did you have a reason you were asking about the Empire??

Zo: I found a story of the Old Ones about an empire making a colony. It just got me wondering if your people had the expertise to do something like that.

β: what story was it

Zo: Terra Nova.

β: i dont know that one

DIVINER: I don't either! But I'm guessing it's sci-fi?

Zo: What's sci-fi?

DIVINER: ...oh, wow, I just realized how much cultural context you're all missing.

FlameHairSavior: We are not having a movie night. At least not until I can go two consecutive days without having to put out literal fires.

DIVINER: I'm sorry to say, I don't think this is something that can be solved with a movie night!!

β: sure it can there are documentaries on film making or whatever

DIVINER: Oh, documentaries!! Those would be so useful!

DIVINER: I don't have any on my Focus, though!

β: nether do i

β: neither

HIMBO: WHAT'S A DOCUMENTARY?

DIVINER: It's a movie for teaching you about something!

HIMBO: SOUNDS HORRIFYING.

FlameHairSavior: I've changed my mind; we can watch one.

HIMBO: HEY!

FlameHairSavior: Though I do seriously need to find a day without an emergency.

FlameHairSavior: I found a Tenakth town in the desert that is flooded, and still doesn't have any drinking water.

BoyNextDoor: What were you doing back in the dessert?

FlameHairSavior: Okay, this was a while ago. Back when I was traveling to Vegas.

MARSHAL Kotallo: Many of our villages are suffering from such problems.

HIMBO: I WOULD HAVE THOUGHT YOU WOULDN'T HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT THAT SORT OF SLAG. DON'T YOU GET MOST OF YOUR FOOD FROM THE UTARU?

MARSHAL Kotallo: We still live off the land where possible, one way or the other. We don't just steal everything from our neighbors. We are not savages.

β: also raiding is not a sustainable long term economic practice

β: pirate nations never last long and aloy said all the bandits are always starving

FlameHairSavior: Yeah. That was back in the Sundom and the Sacred Lands, though. The rebels seem to have things a little more thought-out.

MARSHAL Kotallo: They are attempting to wrest control of Tenakth society. There is more to them than mindless raiding for supplies.

DIVINER: So! I've looked over the archive, and there aren't really any documentaries??

DIVINER: Well, there's one on the history of sourdough bread, but that's probably not going to be interesting to anyone??

MARSHAL Kotallo: What in the name of the Ten is sourdough bread? That sounds like something that has been fouled and is unsuitable for consumption.

DIVINER: I don't know! I haven't watched it!

β: aloy we have a new mission for you

FlameHairSavior: I don't know what sourdough bread is either, and I'm not finding any.

β: no not that you need to find the documentary on film making

FlameHairSavior: And where would I find that?

β: youre supposed to be the anointed chosen baby or whatever thats your job

FlameHairSavior: If there's an undamaged library or something out there, no one has told me about it.

DIVINER: There's one in the Quen lands! Well, not UNDAMAGED, but much less damaged! It's where we obtained much of the Legacy we still have today!

β: see there you go

FlameHairSavior: I'm not going to the Quen lands.

HIMBO: AND HERE I EXPECTED YOU TO SWIM ACROSS THE OCEAN.

FlameHairSavior: No, but I can come back to the base to smack you.

HIMBO: OW!

DIVINER: ...did Aloy somehow get all the way back to the base in seconds to smack Erend??

DIVINER: Oh, never mind, I see.

FlameHairSavior: What?

HIMBO: VARL SMACKED ME!

Zo: How WOULD you go about finding specific data, Aloy? Surely this has happened to you before.

FlameHairSavior: Usually, if it's important, I at least have a lead. I knew Faro was at the center of everything, so I went to Faro HQ. Then I found out about other bunkers and labs. That sort of thing.

DIVINER: All right! Then that just means you have to go to Hollywood!

FlameHairSavior: [Sigh.gif]

FlameHairSavior: Fine. Where is it?

ADMIN [GAIA]: The location of the former Hollywood Boulevard is approximately three hundred and thirty-six miles south-west of this facility. Assuming constant use of striders, and not accounting for detours or sleeping, it would be wise to budget at least forty hours for the outgoing trip.

FlameHairSavior: …

FlameHairSavior: I'm not riding forty hours straight to get you a movie.

DIVINER: Aw.

β: erend what are your plans for the weekend

HIMBO: HAHAHA NO.

Chapter 23 | Prev chapter | Next chapter Chapter Index

[sketching-shark]

Do you like the sun and moon allegory that the show push for swk n LEMH n to a lesser extent how the fandom r pushing it futher by including mk as the star??

I dont rlly get why that of all symbolisms gets to b hammer in the most. My feelings for it is v much went from neutral to dislike bc it box in swk into this sorta narrative that ‘oh things were easy for him n hes so bright!” And oh poor macaque he got stuck in the shadows of swk bc he the moon! Like huh?? Definitely didn’t spurred me bc of how some ppl were quick to equate “sun” as what it mean in sun wukong name.

I just rlly don’t like this inclusion to the whole LEMH v SWK. I got more to say but this just it for rn soo thoughts?

Monkie Kid spoilers below

asdfrgerwredsff well as the local "guy who gets stupid angry at how completely western canon and fanon refuses to engage with the og classic true & false monkey king arc" I can't say I'm a fan anon. And yeah the automatic equation of the "Sun" in Sun Wukong to the English word "sun" was a bit goofy if understandable at first (we all work under particular assumptions based on the cultures and languages we were raised in after all), but now in a lot of ways it seems to stand as one more example of how many people in a dominant culture won't take the time to even do a quick google search to see what a word's meaning in its original context was.

But aside from that I personally don't feel like this sun and moon allegory & the underlying insistence on a close relationship is doing either Sun Wukong, the Six-Eared Macaque, or even Qi Xiaotian any favors...I've given my thoughts about this in other posts, but a quick summary is that even though Monkie Kid appears to have veered away sharply from the interpretation of the Six-Eared Macaque as a living manifestation of SWK's worst aspects and made him more of an independent character, his ongoing violent obsession with the Monkey King still means he has basically 0% traits or things in his life that aren't defined by SWK in some form or another. Everything from his apparent goals to his artistic expression is focused on the Monkey King, and given how thoroughly he hates him in the show's present well that is not a good situation for anyone to be in. In regards to SWK himself, the decision to give his and LEMH's relationship more importance through pushing the sun and moon allegory also has been a pretty big part in the presentation of the Monkey King as a worse and worse of a person. Because in Monkie Kid LEMH was originally introduced as an antagonist, but the route that's been chosen partially to make him more sympathetic was to repeatedly frame SWK as a betraying power-hungry bastard, just like LEMH claimed in his shadow puppet play. So now it's like we started with an image of SWK as genuinely heroic, but as he keeps making disastrous calls in the present and and information about his past comes out it's like him as a sun wasn't so much about providing life-giving warmth as it was about blinding and burning everyone around him, with the show itself being like "psych! turns out SWK lies all the time. psych! his plan to stop the Lady Bone Demon was indeed hot garbage. psych! actually all he ever does is hurt those who loved and trusted him. psych! it's been hinted that even Qi Xiaotian in his deepest and darkest truths is now convinced that SWK is nothing but an agent of chaos & destruction & he's terrified he'll turn out just like him." And then of course Qi Xiaotian is there having been repeatedly traumatized not just by the main big bads but also by LEMH repeatedly beating him up and also by the disastrous consequences of SWK's carelessness & bad judgment. So. Lmao.

Now of course I need to note that there's still a lot of unanswered questions about what precisely happened in the past from SWK's perspective, whose answers may indeed help clear up this toxic morass that is the current dynamic between SWK, LEMH, and Qi Xiaotian. And chances are good I'm forgetting more positive stuff or making the context appear worse than it actually is. Even so, I think you can point to the "the hero and the warrior were like the sun and the moon" as being one of the main starting points for the "SWK actually sucks and LEMH is the main victim of his terribleness" thesis that seems pretty popular in fandom and increasingly in canon. Again, I might just be carrying too much of a negative nancy pessimism about all of this, and of course it must be acknowledged that the overall situation is more complicated, but at least to me as it currently stands the sun and moon allegory seems to have not accomplished much except flip the "good" and "evil" designations between SWK and LEMH (X_X)

[shadeslayer]

@wigwamcore said: Oh goddddd. It really depends for me on who is doing them and what’s the context. I’ve swung back and forth over the years from when they were rare in the US and it was like fuck yes acknowledge us! And then they got institutional and it was like ok ur just saying shit, but now people are talking more about them being bad and while I soooo get it from an ndn perspective I’m worried white ppl will just stop doing ANYTHING rather than actually pivoting to real action

YEAH its definitely something where my feelings on it have shifted a lot over time, i remember when they first became a thing at all and i was like huh thats a really cool thing and then seeing how it became another way to just say words and then do nothing in actuality with that and now that theyre being criticized more and i dont like them really but also they are.. Something. even if its a small something

@mathosapa said: seconding wigwamcore, like sometimes using them for the most random shit feels weird (ive seen them done at bar events which is a weird vibe) but i think it’s worth it in more academic settings or poc focused spaces. what i like is when instead of saying “hello (city) we are on the land of (tribe)” just introducing it as “we are in (ndn place name) unceded land of (tribe), known also as (city)” the other thing is tho so many white dominated spaces start looking for any random ndn to do land acknowledgments, when i was in high school the school district made me come in to do a land acknowledgment for them, even tho i told them i wasnt from here, and im only here bc of the relocation program. and at my last job we constantly had people asking for random employees to come do land acknowledgments for them. they thought we were rent-a-ndn or something and not a social service provider sorry to add another comment but i also find it worrying to see so many white people now making jokes about land acknowledgements and its like the joke to talk about it almost

ok thats like so wild to see it at bar events, in my memory ive only encountered them irl (1) in oklahoma at the conference about repatriation legislation, (2) in a syllabus or two of mine in NAS classes taught by native teachers, so while i didnt really get it personally i liked that they did it bc it was important to them and it makes sense with the class context too, (3) in illinois at an art performance night themed around roots/land/ancestry. so even while the IL one i found a bit eye-rolling in how it was done, its definitely an event that sort of calls for something like that. academic spaces as a whole is interesting to bring up bc i think its an important place to talk abt that stuff, it also dredges up how often in academia ive felt that theres a lot of praising of decolonialism as an idea but only when it stays in its lane and no one ever tries to apply decolonial ideas/perspective/approach to anything not explicitly about nativeness (bc when ive tried to do that in multiple philosophy classes, ive gotten pretty soundly shut down no matter how nice the professor was). academia really frustrates me with its love of saying a lot of nice words about progressiveness and then pretty soundly making sure theres no room for you and that you have to fight tooth and nail for all your breathing room if you want to challenge its colonial imperial foundations

ooo yes though, i definitely prefer the second style of doing it. they are definitely something that depends So much on the minutia of how its done and by who, which is why it gives me such mixed feelings.

that is so utterly fucked that people were trying to use you as a fuckin rent-a-ndn. ive never encountered that before personally since OK never really did them/if they did, there were much more popular and involved ppl to ask than me, but now im in IL which is more into them + i really dont see many ntvs around, and if i start doing more academic work and work with the art and cultural orgs i have my eye on, i wonder if ill end up like that. it must be such a bitch bc i know if that happens to me itll be like. well i dont really *like* land acknowledgements & i dont want to encourage this tokenization so i want to say no, but if theyre done i want them to be done *right* so i would probably say yes in the end :(

YEAH OK REALLL THOUGH. YEAH. like i thought of it too with what wigwamcore said, but its just. ugh. theres this element to being native (and im sure other poc feel it too w their cultures, and it happens w marginalized ppl in general but i digress) where our internal arguments over things become like. public spectacle. and not even in a way where people know theres a big argument about it and theres different sides, but that they see a ntv or two post something about the situation and then go "ok thats the true fact of the situation and now i know that i completely understand this and can speak on it and can start fights with people to fight for this perspective ^_^" and its like. fuck off lol? like these discussions are not for white people but bc they involve things that happen in 'mixed company' as it were white people are aware of the fringes of it and then get all on their high horses about it. and its just. angering but also, idk, heartbreaking? it hurts that you cant just disagree about and talk abt this stuff without having to be aware of all these eyes on you that are going to assume so much and take so much and you have to watch yourself and watch everything you do and say so intensely for fear someone Completely Fucking Uninvolved will take it as something else

like just. UGH! like the woman i met who did the acknowledgement wasnt native but she was an immigrant whos very involved one of the only local native orgs which is itself native run and she talked abt being taught by native elders and while that itself can be a suspect phrase im taking her on good faith with it - and it just kind of hurts. that i disagree with how it was done but she learned from ppl who are native so i dont want to embroil her in this disagreement bc its a disagreement between me and those teachers she had about internal community stuff. and its so frustrating bc outsiders want to just know what the "right answer" is but there is no right answer, its an ongoing exploration, and theres no way to be involved that wont give mixed messages bc we dont even know where we stand with it and everyone has their own opinion and some ppl get that but a lot of people Dont

and then you get white people thinking theyre being great allies and super helpful by making jokes abt our internal politics that from us would be amusing but from them just end up being straight up racist . -_-

but this is great bc this is very much how i feel on it - mixed feelings changed over time with the political landscape, and from my exp of not having dealt w them much i prefer not having them but i also understand why theyre important to people and i do Not like the cavalier attitude not ntvs have started taking against them bc its not their fucking place to talk like that abt smth that oftentimes is being done by or was implemented by natives

ive seen arguments for and against them so im curious what the vibe is for yall bc i know My thoughts but im curious what mutuals/followers think. feel free to reply/inbox me further thoughts. no neutral option i want the bitchy opinion u have in ur heart of hearts

[just-gay-thoughts]

The 'Dont Say Gay Bill' and other bills like it are bullshit and heres why, and essay by me pt. 1

Okay gonna preface this by saying 2 things:

1. The actual focus of this will be the numerous other Bill's in other states that are trying to do similar things to the Dont Say Gay Bill in Florida

2. There is a lot of bullshit in these bille, as well as homophobia and transphobia, so please make sure you look after your mental health and scroll past this if you think that might be a problem for you.

Alright so thus all started when I decided to do some research into the Dont Say Gay Bill but then got sidetracked by an article about similar bills. And the thing that irked me the most was how none of them have gotten any attention despite how blatant some of them were with their homophobic intentions. So I'm gonna draw attention to them, because even the lesser of these evils sets the groundwork for worse and worse bills. I'm first going to name the state, bill id, a small excerpt/summary from the article I read, then what I found reading through the bill itself for any additional context. I will then give my opinion on the bill. Sorry in advance for the long read, I might break this up into multiple posts.

Let's get started with Arizona HB 2011. HB 2011 would force students to seek parental permission before joining any school club "involving sexuality, gender or gender identity" according to the article I read.

The bill states it would "prohibit the school district from allowing any student to participate in any school student group or club involving sexuality, gender or gender identity unless the student's parent provides written permission for the student to participate in the student group or club."

So yeah, no exaggeration. This, like many of the bills I'm about to address will mainly effect kids with queerphobic parents, and ultimately will leave queer kids without many safe places to go with questions about their identity or to simply safely explore their identities. It's also setting a precedent for schools regulating who can or cant join student led clubs, which really doesnt sit right with me.

Warning: Tennessee's actual wording from the bill is homophobic

Tennessee is considering a bill that would prohibit schools from using any books or instructional materials that mention "gay, bisexual, or transgender issues or lifestyles" in any way. HB 800.

Actuall wording from its summary: Oh God it's worse than I thought

"Prohibits..... from adopting or using textbooks and instructional materials or supplemental instruction materials that promote, normalize, support, or address lesbian, gay, bisexual, or transgender issues or lifestyles."

So essentially Tennessee school districts cant use or have any textbooks that contain anything queer. Because God forbid we acknowledge people are gay. Sorry, theres not much I can say about this one while staying semi civil.

North Carolina S 514 would require teachers and college faculty to report to a parent if their child displays signs of "gender non conformity". Apparently is stalled in the state Senate but remains live.

Bunch of transphobic nonsense, does state that a "government agent" with knowledge of a minor "exhibit[ing] symptoms of gender dysphoria, gender non conformity, or otherwise demonstrates a desire to be treated in a manner incongruent with the minor's sex" must tell the parents or guardians of the minor

Yet again, endangering queer kids with queerphobic parents and does no actual harm. The majority of the bill was talking about medical transitioning in a very transphobic manner, and the above bit was tagged on near the end.

Okay there will be 2 more parts coming in the next couple days, one more to touch on 3 more states, and a final part to touch on Oklahoma.

Stay safe, and do something that makes you happy, because I only wish the best for yall!

[timextoxhajima]

hihi! i was scrolling through your blog to read your fics and look at your other posts when i came across that ask where an anon did an analysis of your fic hostis. i’m just asking out of genuine curiosity (i hope this doesn’t come across offensive in any way but this has baffled me for quite some time!!), but how exactly should readers interact with fanfics?

probably every other month i’ll see a post by different writers about the lack of interaction from readers which really frustrates them (which i understand!) and they usually say that it doesn’t take that long to like, reblog, give a comment etc. i’m more of the passive type so i will like the fic post or share them with friends who like the same groups to read. i don’t usually comment, but i see people who do leave comments and hype up other writers who are their mutuals/friends. these comments are always positive and encouraging, but do writers ever want constructive criticism like what that anon commented? i mean it’s not like school or uni where you submit work to be marked, but when writers ask for interaction do they only want the positive, hype-me-up kind of comment? sometimes when i read a fic and i think “oh, maybe it could’ve been better if they developed this a bit more” or “it feels like it’s lacking a bit” or something like that, i just move on from it and read other fics. but for these writers who want interaction from their readers, would they actually want readers to voice out thoughts like this?

sorry for the long post ahaha i’ve just been wondering about this for a long long time and reading that anon’s detailed analysis and breakdown about what they thought could be improved really got me thinking about this as a long time fic reader. thank you ^^

HIHI no worries abt it being offensive or whatsoever!! You brought up quite a few points in this so bear with me yeah?

How should readers interact with fics?

Firstly, i'd like to put out a disclaimer that some writers might not agree with. The fact that writers post their work on an online platform accessible to everybody means that it will always be open to criticism, whether they like it or not. No, i'm not saying that it's okay to be rude or trash someone's work, i'm saying it in the context that readers will always be allowed to provide feedback/reactions. If you put a product out on a shelf for sale, you can't stop a customer from complaining about it if they purchase it and, in their opinion, finds it defective or inadequate.

You cannot stop a reader from having opinions.

It's the same for movies, music, choreography.

Secondly, however the reader wants to react (be it passive or active) is completely up to you! Personally, as long as i know someone's following my work, even if it's just 1 person, i'll be happy. My work isn't FAMOUS per se and it's just an outlet for me to vent or relax. Of course there'll be writers who want people to provide constructive feedback, and that's fine. Writers who actually want the constructive feedback WILL take it, i promise you. It will stick, even if they don't act on it, and if they agree with it, they will change according to the feedback. After i got that super long analysis from hostis, i started breaking up my sentences, especially in grounded. I started making sure my sentences were shorter, easier to understand. Might not have been 100% what the anon told me to improve on, but it stuck. For me, i write in school and it's being graded. Thus, writing here is in fact, a platform for me to practise. So of course, (though i admit i get salty sometimes when people tell me otherwise) i try to improve whenever people tell me there is something for me to improve on. It's normal human nature to feel angry or upset when people give CONSTRUCTIVE feedback bec sometimes it does feel like it's going against you.

Writers who want to improve will always appreciate constructive feedback, even if they feel salty or dissatisfied with it.

Of course, sometimes constructive feedback comes in the idea of questions. Whenever i write, i ask myself like- why does this character act like this or why did this happen- in case a reader has questions about maybe something lacking etc. (Also honestly because sometimes fanfiction is meant to cater to only the main characters, and side characters just aren't needed to be fully developed.)

Sometimes, the writers have their reasons for not developing a certain part of the story, a character, or simply- they didn't think about it, and that's fine. That's where they get to think about it too.

I always thought it was fun to discuss a story's plot with the writer, same way some people are super into trivia or like, backstories. It's like bonus features when you watch a director's cut of a film or like an easter egg, which you'll only realise when the director/writer himself shares it with you.

A writer will always be more than happy to discuss their story with you, whether or not the points of discussion are similar or different.

Keeping in mind, writers on this platform come from different countries, this means different styles of learning. Styles of writing differs from person to person. V, who wrote 17.5 of hostis, is also singaporean but her writing style is more poetic than mine. The anon who gave me that super long feedback on my writing with longass sentences and expression errors is a law student (who, i assume are more accustomed to writing short, accurate, and MUST BE grammatically correct sentences). Which is totally fine!

What you may perceive from reading a sentence may be different from what someone else perceives. When i write, i NEED to see the scenes in my head first because i'm a more visual person and i do videography and film production in school, so if i dont see it, i can't write it. sometimes it backfires and i end up stuffing like 2894 details into 1 sentence, killing the grammar and expression, which is what that anon pointed out to me.

Perception varies, so learn to understand that what the writer writes could be because they simply have trouble expressing what they see/visualise.

And that's fine. Nobody is ever perfect with writing, nobody's gna ever develop all their characters well enough to the readers' liking. If a story had 8 characters and each character had a fan, BUT the plot is meant to only focus on 3, then you cannot expect the writer to develop the other 5 just because their fans want them too. It's just not plausible, especially if the plot revolves around the 3.

Wow this was super long, i hope this gave you some valuable insight as to how a reader can interact with a writer. There's definitely no harm as to giving the writer feedback, even if its bad! Phrase it nicely of course - trashing the writer's work definitely isn't going to do anybody good. Writer's probably gna hate the reader while she/he feels shitty abt themselves and the reader doesn't gain anything in return.

THANK YOU for bothering to send this in!!! I absolutely LOVED talking about this because ive always thought that readers just wanted some fanfiction to read but now youve proven me wrong and i definitely do believe some readers look much deeper into a plot or a piece of work than just smut and fluff.

🥺💕 thanks loveee

[raw-raidah]

I knew I was never going to be a Sabyasachi Bride  (And it’s okay.)

The year was 2015 when I was first exposed to that amazing designer who redefined pre-millenium materials into a millennium piece of art. The first thing I did was look up “prices of Sabyasachi bridal Lehenga” hoping there would be a website where the dresses would be displayed like they are in Forever 21, and I could use the “price low to high” filter to pick the perfect piece that suits me and my budget.

Trouble; the website was way too Bougee to even display prices, and the only reference I got which remotely referred to Sabyasachi bridal lehenga prices was a Quora thread which showed they range from something around 3-10 lakh INR. Multiply by almost 2.5 and you get the price in Bangladeshi Taka. 

Heartbreak. Disappointment. Why am i not Kylie Jenner rich?

Then I thought to myself, surely my Abbu or the family I marry into would be able to buy me a Sabyasachi. If not, I will save enough money to buy one myself. I am independent, duh! How hard would it be to pay for a dress? 

Years passed by, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019. The lehengas didn’t get any cheaper. To make it more difficult (for me) designer names such as Sarah Karim, Manish Malhotra and Rimple and Hatpreet joined the crew of names GORGEOUS Bangladeshi brides could take when I asked them “where’s your dress from?” 

DON’T get me wrong, I have dearest friends who wore amazing designer lehengas at their weddings and they looked the part! 

But that’s the thing, I wanted that look as well. I wanted to be a bride flaunting a dress where people would ask “where’s your dress from?”. Even if a part of me always knew my pocket(s) would never be big enough to fit that Lehenga in.

Year came 2019, I was done with my Masters in Sydney and trying to make a living here. Me and my boyfriend were thinking about getting married. So began our research for the perfect decor, the perfect dress, the perfect freaking Pinterest board. 

BUT, also came the reality with it; Hunting for a new apartment to live in, full time jobs, researching which washing machine would be good for my clothes but not bad for my electricity bill. 

That’s when it hit me. 

A Sabyasachi lehenga costs around 6000-10,000 AUD. Babe, that’s 3-4 months rent for me. That’s 1/5th of what I earn every year BEFORE taxes. I can’t afford that. 

And CONTEXT: I come from a classic middle class Bangladeshi family where both my Parents worked Government jobs to give me and my brother a more than comfortable lifestyle. I am grateful. But even if my Father could have remotely afforded to buy me that dress, should I have asked for it? 

It’s just ONE DAY. Albeit, it’s my Wedding day, but it’s still ONE DAY, and thousands of hours of earning spent on that ONE DRESS.

That’s when I realised. I was being an idiot.

I DONT NEED to be a Sabyasachi bride or a Sarah Karim bride or a anything bride. I DONT NEED to have Sygmaz or Enchanted or whichever extravagant decorator there is these days to decorate my wedding. 

I just need a day where I look the best that “ I  “ have ever looked, and am surrounded by a decor which doesn’t make anyone say “eww”. 

You are getting married. Marriage is NOT a wedding. And a Wedding shouldn’t ever have to make a woman, who probably has been waiting for this day for YEARS, to feel inadequate in, because “people these days wear designer lehengas”, “mirrored floor on a stage is a bare minimum”, “oh you aren’t serving Naan AND Biriyani?”. 

Do Bangladeshis get that? Weddings are becoming bigger than award shows these days, (good for those who can afford them) send me invites so that my snapchat looks bougee for one day. 

I won’t say STOP fancy weddings because it will offend a lot of people who LIKE spending. 

But STOP to those in the “middle-class families” like I am. STOP succumbing to such ridiculous expectations which go beyond your budget. What’s the point? I swear when you spend that money to send your kid to a good school in the future, that kid wouldn’t even care about what designer Ammu wore on her wedding day or who was the event management company?

I will never be able to be a Sabyasachi bride. And it’s okay. But with my budget and taste I should hopefully be able to look like a nice bride? Still be someone who people ask “where is that dress from?” and be able to give an answer which makes the other women feel like “yeah I could go to that shop for my wedding”.

Hence, what’s the lesson today I can provide as a bride who wants to save her and YOUR $$$.

Cliche shit, but, as long as the dress you wear that night is what you love, the person you are saying Kobul to is definitely who you love, and there are enough roses for little children to steal at the end of the event...it would be nothing less than a Sabyasachi night. 

Oh and send me invites if you are still having a fancy wedding though, I mean I am poor but not picky.

[xiaojusaur]

BTS on the morning after some intimacy (Maknae Line)

You were a little family already, you had your first kid and were married to the best man ever. Like any normal couple, things got hot last night and you two couldn’t help it anymore. Usually you were careful because you didn’t want to wake up your little sprout or worst, you didn’t want them to hear you.

Jimin

You two had a two year old baby girl, she was the sweetest thing on Earth. After going to the park the little sprout was exhausted and went to sleep quickly.

You went to the living room where your husband Jimin was watching TV peacefully. You laid your head on his lap and he quickly started playing with your hair.

You started feeling sleepy until you felt a a bulge under your head. You looked at him and he started blushing hard.

“Honey, what was that?” you asked while giggling.

“Im sorry baby, I think he misses you. Just ignore it, it will go in a minute.”

“How much time has it being?” You asked suddenly without context.

Jimin looked confused “What? Of what?”

“Of us... being together.” You made a face trying to say what you meant.

“Jagi I don’t know what you mean.” He truly didn’t understand.

“Of you and me fucking!” You lost your temper.

“Oh! That... yeah, like a year ago I guess. You’re busy with our baby so I never say anything even though here I am craving you everyday.”

“You want to try tonight?” you asked while shamelessly tugging at his sweats to free his lenght. He was shocked at your confidence, that’s why he couldn’t say no.

He took you right there on the sofa. You realized how much you missed him because he was making you feel really good. You both were trying so much to not be too loud. 

You dont even remember falling asleep but you woke up because your little girl started poking your cheek. “Momma?”. You were between Jimin’s arms, naked under sheets and on the couch. 

“Baby, what happened? Are you hungry?” you asked sweetly. Jimin woke up all smiley, not letting you go. 

“Momma Im hungry!!” your daughter complained.

“Im coming baby, gimme a minute.” You looked at your husband and he started laughing because he knew what was going through your mind.

Taehyung (V)

You were staying the weekend on a beach house, finally having some vacations to spend time with your little family. Your three year old baby girl was really happy playing with the sand after playing with the water. You and your husband Taehyung were watching her from the hammock hanging from the palm trees.

Your husband watched her with so much love, so proud of having her. You were sitting between his legs, his arms around you hugging you from behind. He occasionally kissed your cheek, your neck, your shoulder and you caressed his legs. 

“You know what?” he whispered in your ear, sending shivers through your body.

“What?” you said giggling. He always made you feel like you were a teenager in love.

“I was thinking that I kinda miss your body,” he started running his hands through your body and kissing your neck.

“Babe! The girl is right there!” you whispered panicking.

“She’s not looking, chill. But yeah, I was thinking we could have another baby, what do you think?” 

“I don’t know, would we be able to provide for another one?”

“Jagi, you know the answer to that. Is just that watching our little girl there all lonely I think it’s time to give her some company for her adventures.”

And your husband was right, your girl was getting bored of playing alone. “You’re right.”

“We could try tonight.” You looked at him over your shoulder and smiled, agreeing to it.

After taking your little girl to the room where she was staying and making sure she was deep asleep, Taehyung came back to the bed with you. He didn’t waist a minute, he jumped on you kissing you wildly.

He pounded into you all night long, making sure to get his goal done. He always was magical in bed, making you see stars. He had you hiding your face on his neck to drown the screams and the loud moans.

The next morning you both woke up to your girl jumping on the bed. “Daddy!! I want to go to the water!!”

Taehyung sat on the bed still sleepy with his messy hair. You sat on the bed also, holding the sheets over your naked body. Taehyung looked at you and winked causing you to laugh and push him playfully. Your daughter was watching you confused.

“Momma, why you don’t have clothes on?” You looked over at your husband looking for an answer.

“Last night was really hot and the clothes were making it worst.” Taehyung looked at you with a smirk and said “Yes, indeed.”

“Stop it!” you hit him again on his arm and he started laughing. You couldn’t wait to find out if it worked, if it was going to be a girl or a boy, but this moment right there was one you woul never forget.

Jungkook

You had a one year old toddler waddling through Jungkook’s brother’s house. Today was his wedding and you would stay there for the night because it was late already and your house was pretty far.

You were staying at Jungkook’s old room. He was playing video games with the little boy sitting on his lap. The baby boy was yawning already.

“Jungkook babe, he wants to sleep.” He paused the game and took the baby boy to a crib you had brought. He fell asleep quickly since he was so tired from all the running.

Your husband went again to his game but now it was you sitting between his legs while he played.

After a while he lost the game and was furious.

“Babe oh my god, calm down! Is just a game,” you said while crawling to your side of the bed.

“Meh. Im going to turn it off.”

He went to the bathroom and came back. Suddenly he was looking at you with lust. You would never know what was passing through his mind.

“What has gotten into you?” you asked while laughing.

“I don’t know, is the thought of us being alone. It kinda turned me on.”

“We literally had a kid and you still get excited from being alone with me?”

“It’s not that, it’s you.” He attacked you with a passionate kiss, you surrendered to it. He then started kissing your neck “You looked beautiful today,” he said with a breathy voice.

“Jungkook babe, they boy is there.”

“But I’m needy for you.” His hands started to lift your night dress. “Let’s do it please,” he begged.

He bit your earlobe and hissed in your ear, you couldn’t take it anymore. “Are we really going to have sex while our son is there?” You asked looking at the crib.

“Please, let’s try to not be too noisy.”

“I can’t promise anything.” You knew how Jungkook was and you knew how he made you feel.

The sunrise came and your husband was still on top of you, prepping you up for the third round. Giggles and whimpers escaping from your mouth, you two tangled with the sheets when suddenly you heard your boy cry.

“Mommyyyyy!!!”

“Coming baby,” you said. You got off the bed, not caring that you were all naked and took your boy out of the crib. You started to calm him down, rocking him in your arms. “What’s wrong? You had a bad dream? It’s okay, mommy is here.”

You looked over at Jungkook, you thought he would be pissed because you had been interrupted but he was looking at you with a smile and shiny eyes.

“You’re so beautiful, I love you so much,” he said smiling at you.

[sealer-of-wenkamui]

Chapter 17A was a nightmare, but surely 18 won’t be as bad..... OR SO I THOUGHT

It wouldn’t have been if it wasn’t for the fact that I want to recruit everyone! Fire Emblem is full of interesting recruitment methods, be it paying someone, or standing on the corner of the desert in a certain map, or in this game, even capturing enemies.... well.... Xavier has BY FAR the worst recruitment method I’ve ever seen in the series.... August warns us like he always does on how terrible the chapter is going to be, but when he said recruiting Xavier would be “quite difficult”, that’s an understatement....

8 NPCs. Can and will be killed in 1 hit (all zero stats!!). Have to talk to specific enemies (one for each) and turn them into NPCs, and only then can you talk to Xavier. Those eight won’t attack the NPCs, but everyone else will! And of course other enemies are in the room! Oh but I can’t risk killing those 8 by going there and trying to kill the other enemies because they’ll still attack me! It turns out even the Lenster soldiers will attack the NPCs WHICH I FOUND OUT THE HARD WAY (I was trying for the membership card and only capturing them.... then one killed an NPC with a javelin so I gave up trying to save them)

At that point I even missed Saias and his stupid leadership stars....

The beginning even took me a bit to figure out, since i wanted to get all the treasure, first I tried rewarping Safy to get the unattended one, but reinforcements arrived and captured her so I restarted, ultimately I needed movements stars working to my favor....

Salem promoted pretty early on though! I love dark magic... and its great having an intimidating looking dark mage on my side (who seems to be a pretty kind person?)

Anyway, for Xavier, I ended up unequipping Machua’s weapons and warping her into a corner (since she’s TOO good even with an iron axe...) to distract the enemies I needed to talk to after opening the door and taking out a few of the Freeges... oh yeah the NPCs like to pile up and prevent the proper NPC from talking to their corresponding enemy too!! Which was a bit of a problem for the couple that came into the hall.... I needed a second warp staff use to pick up one of them that would have been killed by a Lenster soldier (2 warp staff uses in one chapter...... noooooo) but I eventually did it and got Xavier... Oh yeah he killed one of his men after they got turned to an NPC, yet he says ohhh please forgive them, they haven’t done anything wrong (DONT KILL THEM THEN??!)

I wanted to steal from the boss, but only Perne would have been able to, and I left him on some stairs...whoops... but Machua with an armorslayer took him out.

And we retook Lenster!! Oh yeah I also read the “Lenster’s Fall” story recently, which I really should have done before starting, it provides a lot of context for the game. (It was nice seeing Lachesis in it too!! Also being Finn is suffering)

But no time to celebrate because we’re immediately asked to save Alster! Dorias and August both oppose setting out right away, but Leif insists, and says he’ll go alone if he has to, so we’re splitting up into 2 groups (Leif wants to leave right away, but is convinced to let everyone rest)

And he said his fight isn’t over until we get Eyvel back!!! ;A; I want her back now, I miss her....

And at last he promoted! Which... I guess makes sense now that we retook Lenster.

And as we head to Alster, we get an unexpected message, sounds like more trouble is ahead (of course)

[dogsliampaynedoesntinstagram]

i kinda need to rant a bit sorry! i watched the video from the airport and i found it v upsetting, that it even happened in the first place. my friend sent me the link to an article this morning and she keeps going on about how louis punched the girl and she's like why are you defending him, even famous white boys can be assholes and hit girls too, but i'm just struggling to find the words to say that yes that happens, but it feels/is different in this context? not just bcos im a fan either?idk

i dont want to feel like im excusing violence (but then again i feel like sometimes in certain situations violence is justified)(but then i'm left trying to figure out where my boundary of justified/non-justified violence is). but we also don't necessarily know the whole entire truthful story so it's hard to make judgements, even the video doesn't capture it all. it's just a very conflicting situation, because i love louis and i support him and i don't think he was in the wrong but we dont KNOW.

i don't want to make any judgement calls without knowing the full story, but in my heart i know my support sits with louis, but then i feel bad because he is a highly privileged young white male who has been accused of violence against a young female, and i feel i should support her, but i truly honestly believe that she was in the wrong, and that we don't know the full story, whether he actually hit her or whether her injury was just a fall out of the scuffle. I just hope everyone is okay.

Oh sweetheart - I’m really glad you came to rant to me.  I totally understand being stressed out about the situation and the difficulty of balancing your general analysis of the world and your specific love for Louis.

I think all your instincts are good ones - or one’s you have for good reasons.  There are really good reasons to know in your heart that you support Louis.  There are also good reasons to reserve judgement - and understand that one video isn’t going to provide key information.  And there are reasons to question your analysis when you realise that you are supporting a rich white man against two young women of colour.

The big picture questions about the use of violence - and when that is and isn’t justified - I think you’ll find it more productive to try and figure out your boundaries on examples that you’re less emotionally involved in.  

I’m going to explain why some of this troubles me less than it seems to be troubling you and see if that helps. There are real limits to the extent to which indidivudalised ideas of privilege help you understand any particular conflict. When conflict is related to oppression then it’s very important to think about power and privilege - but not all conflict is related to oppression. 

In this example, you say that the context means that this feels different from other examples where men hit women.  And I agree. For me, I am perfectly happy to always assume the worst about men who are violent to women they are in intimate relationships with (and the one in a thousand times that I’m wrong - doesn’t bother me at all).  Men are given power in intimate relationships they have with women and everytime you hear a story about men hurting women in intimate relationships it’s important to remember that that’s a story about men choosing to use power they have been given and that gender is incredibly important to power in intimate relationships.

In this example, I don’t think power and privilege have much to do with how it happened.  Particularly when it comes to Louis’ role.  Ultimately I don’t think the fact that the two people cornering Eleanor were women had much to do with what happened.  To put in bluntly - I don’t thin he got involved because he wanted power and control over those women. On top of that he’s not substantially larger or physically stronger - so I don’t think there’s much reason to argue that he should have been more restrained.

If you’re not sure what happened (and I’m less sure than some - people say they see one of the girls punching Eleanor - but I can’t make that out) - then I think that’s absolutely fine. Leaving room for doubt is almost always a smart idea - it shows you’re keeping track of what you’re don’t know.

But I think there’s no reason not to allow your heart to be where it wants to be and to sit with Louis.   What the video does most effectively is give his perspective - so we see what he saw about the situation and anything not in the video he didn’t know either. I wouldn’t condemn anyone in his situation for acting the way he acted.  And given what I know about his life - I’m just really upset for him that he had to go through that.   And I hope that he’ll have a break from high stress situations like that. 

I think it’s really admirable that you’ve question your reactions and wondered what you might have thought if things were different.  But I think there’s every reason to do that and then think: “Yeah my heart is still with him” (or even more with him).  

Finally, beware of a friend who is overly invested in making sure that you think the same thing of a small scuffle involving celebrities. I don’t think there are wider political issues at stake.  It sounds a bit like your friend is just playing got you or trying to stop you loving who you love.  You don’t have to talk about Louis with her if she makes you feel crappy for loving who you love.

[jess-oh]

Reflection

hey God,

i just got back home at my new apartment from a MAST meeting and there’s some things i need to get off my chest that i realized i’ve been avoiding.

honestly, we’ve been a bit distant lately.

im really grateful for MAST and the people they are. and i only wish we couldve bonded on this level sooner but i am glad we’re able to do so now.

we had some deep talks during our hangout today and were very present and intentional with each other and im glad. 

and when jason shared about his family, it made me realize how terrified i am to go home bc i am afraid that nothing will have changed. i love jenny and i love MAST. I love PJosh, Amanda, Jason, and Johnathan bc I dont have to worry about being a burden with them bc i do genuinely love and care for me and want the best for me. They go out of their way to take care of me and make sure im home safe and mentally okay. And I am beyond grateful. Unsun loves me. Jenny Chang loves me. Josh Henderson I think loves me. People actually care for my wellbeing here. And I don’t feel like I have that at home. Not only have I been distancing myself from my family but I’ve been distant with everyone back home in general bc i’ve been so focused on trying to make a community here. Full of people I love and trust and can rely on.

I just dont want to feel like I’m being taken for granted again and just have so many expectations upon me. To be a good daughter, to be a good sister, to do this or do that. My mom was offended I didn’t ask her to help me move to Chicago my freshman year and she only asked me if I wanted her to help me move bc she found out her friends were helping their kids move in. She didn’t ask or offer her assistance. She just expected me to ask bc she wanted to fit in with her friends and prove she was a good mother.

even with my sister, she messaged me today with an expectation of me. instead of being glad or grateful that i would be going home, she asked why i couldnt just leave later and go to lollapalooza with her. is it wrong of me to expect or hope for her to be grateful im coming home at all? why is it so terrible that i dont want to go to lollapalooza? i told her that i still encouraged her to go if we wanted to and im not standing in the way of that. and she even said my mom was willing to pay for my ticket to the concert but im already so in debt to her bc of my mission trip and i dont want to just add onto that.

im also lowkey a lil frustrated rn bc i feel like ive explained my proposal to emily on how to handle utilities 3 times already and yet, she keeps asking and assuming and my patience is starting to run thin. i dont understand why she hasnt taken my proposal seriously or done what i asked her to do. she knows i dont have a phone and seemed willing to call peoplegas herself at first so i dont understand why shes being stubborn about doing it now.

sigh

anyway, in the car today while johnathan was driving me home to my new apartment, he asked what my thoughts on the whole topic were bc i had remained pretty quiet throughout it all. which i did. partly bc i just wanted to listen and be present and not feel the need to say what i think is “right” or the “best answer” and also bc i could never find a good opportunity to enter the conversation without interrupting someone else. and i confessed that at least on the topic of christians vs non-christians, i understood why jason would feel closer to non-christians bc of that expectation that christian communities have. i grew up in the church, yes. But I didn’t meet Christ until the end of 7th grade. And then I was temporarily on a spiritual high but struggled a lot my freshman year of high school and eventually just didnt see it as a priority or a reason to attend at all during my sophomore and junior years. And senior year, I tried to be open and honest and ended up feeling betrayed by James and tbh, im still a little triggered whenever I hear that name. Regardless of who it’s actually referring to and the context behind it. But that is when I came back to God bc I did feel a sense of community and belongingness with my Guatemala team. At least at first. I definitely felt it with Judy and Grace and I was glad to be there with them. But whenever I’ve come home and far too often, I feel like I have to try so hard just to be a part of the community at all and have to try to go to them so I have anyone in my life that I can rely on. Even when it comes to games, I’m often excluded and ignored bc I don’t fit the “standard” or cultural norm. And no one wants to be excluded or outcasted. We’re all insecure about ourselves but bc everyone is too afraid, no one reaches out to those that are left out and they all eventually leave bc they dont feel a sense of community. it’s a toxic culture and i dont want to go back. but yeah, i didnt come back to Christ until my senior year of high school and even then, it was just gaining a deeper understanding of Him through the Word and practical exercises. But mostly from mission training tbh and just being able to get closer with my team. so during that time when i was away from the church, i relied on my non-christian friends and they were the ones that were there for me when things got rough. i was honestly miserable at home and i couldnt handle it on my own and they were there to help me and listen to me and talk to me and be there for me. not my church friends. with them, i just felt betrayed. i tried to reach out to james, only to find out he and the rest of the guys had been gossiping about me behind my back when i so hopefully believed that we were getting closer and on our way to being friends. im shocked whenever people acknowledge my voice and im not ignored bc im so used to that culture and environment. ive tried to cry out to God and while i havent heard these things about me directly, i have heard many people complaining about people singing too loudly or not singing well enough and how it was annoying or keeping them from going to God. And I am so scarred by that toxic culture and behavior and bc that’s the only church I ever knew growing up, it’s affected how I perceive church in general now. And with church, there’s a certain expectation to be a better person and actively try to be more Christlike which I do but bc of that, I feel like I can’t make mistakes and have to meet that expectation which just leads me back down the path of perceiving serving as an obligation and work and a burden and something i have to do instead of doing it bc i genuinely care and want to serve God by serving them. It is so easy for me to cultivate deeper relationships with my school friends and really care for them bc there is no expectation for me to do anything. But because I genuinely care, I am able to reach out to them and make sure they’re doing okay and provide my help and services in any way that i can.  with church, im almost forced and expected to reach out and be a good Christian and do everything right.

I know P. Josh knows my character and who I am and loves me for me but every single time I fall back into this mindset of serving bc I feel like I have to serve and I’m being defined by that, I am afraid to tell him and be honest about it bc I know he said previously he’d be weary of someone joining MAST bc they defined themselves by how they serve and I don’t want him to kick me out of MAST bc that’s what I’ve become. And I keep beating myself up over falling back into this place and this habit because I so desperately don’t want to lose this community and this little family that I have here and people that I do love and trust and rely upon so much. I don’t want to disappoint him. I can’t bear to. 

And even at my home church, I never felt like I could speak ill of my parents or vent about what I was going through with them bc my dad was so heavily involved in the church. Everyone knew who he was and I didn’t want to soil his name. I had to be a good Christian and uphold his reputation as his daughter. 

But I hated being defined as “Marty’s daughter” or “Loren’s sister.” I just wanted to be known as Jessica Oh. I wanted to be known as me for me.

And I know I’ve made mistakes at my home church and bc they came back to haunt me later during my high school career, I’m afraid they’ll never go away hear. I made a lot of mistakes my sophomore year and I’ve grown a lot since then. But I’m worried people haven’t forgotten about the mistakes I’ve made and relationships I once had are irreparable bc of things I said or did that I didn’t realize in the moment was wrong. I can’t be fully honest or trust the community with who I am bc I feel like I have to be perfect all the time bc of the expectation and pressure placed upon me. And it’s crippling. It’s a fear that is crippling and I can’t fully handle. I’m letting it stop me from really coming before Christ and being honest with Him and growing as a community bc of my love for Him and yearn to serve Him.

but...it’s definitely tough.

i started crying in the car. i didnt think i would but i really am in a lot of pain over this. i just hope it gets resolved soon.

but anyway, thank you God for providing us with the space and opportunity to share our thoughts and go deeper with each other. it was much needed and meant a lot to me and i do really love them all so much.

thank you, God.

oh last thing—the reason ive never really shared all this with jason in the past is bc i know his own relationship with his family is tense and he cant help me or give any advice on how to solve this issue bc he himself does not know.

but yeah.

thank you, God.